I am one of five children. The middle child syndrome would describe me. Not the first nor the baby, just stuck in the middle. Some call us the refere’s of the family. Me with an older sister, two younger brothers then a sweet baby sister. How about you, what's your birth order?
Growing up, wasn’t it fun to have had siblings to fight with, have fun with, to come of age with? Whispering secrets together. Sometimes love, hate, push, pull the full gamut of emotions. Enduring good times and sad times. What’s your favorite memory of having siblings/sibling?
Our siblings stood witness to our evolving and morphing into the person we are today. They knew us when…They were on the frontlines watching us evolve into adulthood. Siblings are our lifelong companions. They were and still are privy to our hopes and dreams for the future and we to theirs.
If you were an “only child”, I apologize that you did not have this experience. I would like to reassure you that most of us who had siblings, many of us wish we were the only child!. Your childhood looked so appealing to us. I think it’s safe to say we were envious. 🙂
Growing up we are conditioned with the knowledge or belief that we will outlive our parents. In some ways we are prepared to expect that loss. Even socialized to accept that we will lose our parents. Tho in actuality you are never prepared for the death of a loved one.
Never included in our conversations or thought processes that we will lose our precious siblings. Our lifelong cherished companions. Our ride or thrive buddies. To be honest there is no way to prepare for sibling loss.
Therefore it is a trauma to lose a sibling. When a sibling passes, especially if they were an adult with a spouse and children, their family will often receive complete focus and full attention.
As siblings, we can sometimes feel like an afterthought.
As an adult sibling it is highly unlikely that your grief will be fully recognized, acknowledged and supported. Therefore putting you at risk for not getting the emotional support that you need to help your grief recovery process flow smoothly and naturally. You need to grieve fully so that your grief process doesn’t get impeded and goes in the direction of complicated grief or prolonged grief. You are worthy of excellent emotional care.
Losing two siblings in one year led me to acutely feel the dwelling of my nuclear family. It is as though a part of my history has been erased. I can no longer call my sister to help me remember dates or important details of an event. Losing both my brother Melvin and sister Linda has brought home the reality of my own mortality. For me, losing my two siblings was the equivalent of sitting at a table that suddenly had two missing two legs.
Throwing everything totally off balance. No more stability; it takes time to adjust and find a new way to balance everything on the table again. It’s like being on a seesaw: when the other person leaves, you can’t go up again. You’re left grounded, stuck in a low position. Truly in need of emotional support.
If you have not lost a sibling, take this moment to simply fall into gratitude. What a blessing. But maybe you know someone who has lost a sibling. This insight can assist you to be there as an anchor of support. Arming you with the knowledge and insight on how significant of a loss it is to lose a sibling.
If you’ve lost a sibling, you understand this sense of loss—this feeling that your grief is unacknowledged, or that you’ve also lost a lifelong companion. Facing the reality that life, as you once knew it, is now forever changed.
In the meantime grieve as much as you need to and as often as you need to. I invite you to seek out those that allow you to express your grief completely and fully.
Please create a support system of family and friends.
If that is not possible, attend an in-person grief support group. There are also online grief support groups. If groups are not available, then reach out for professional help from a Grief Coach or Psychotherapist.
I want to reassure you that in time you will remember your sibling with more “LOVE” than pain.
Remember you can’t do grief alone.
With love, Your Doula for Grief
Bonnie Gonzalez
Bonnie Gonzalez is a Registered Nurse, RScP, Professional Life coach, Licensed SoulCollage® Facilitator, and a Doula for Grief. In addition, she is also a Grief workshop facilitator and Grief educator. Bonnie has a private coaching practice, specializing in Grief. Seeing clients one on one and in group settings. Meetings are in person and virtual. Bonnie is currently living in Mexico with her husband Tito.
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